Posted on September 27, 2021
I always run. In my head. I can’t stop unless I force myself. I noticed that it’s not the goals or the ideas that exhaust me. Not even the manic ways in which I try to accomplish them. Planning. Endless planning of everything takes the energy out of me – and the time that I could spend just breathing and enjoying life. 3 days ago I chose not to plan anything for the next month and just welcome my ideas and brainstorm them when I really want to (instead of planning to brainstorm them). Because plans change as often as I make them. In the end I spend half of my time planning things that never happen. Isn’t there a better way to spend life? Like go outside and walk and create mental space? Some things definitely need planning, but I think not as many as I think. And not as often as I think.
Posted on August 4, 2021
As I’m reading about center-focused exposure feature of my camera I can’t help but make a connection with real life. Center focused metering setting is just what it sounds like – a camera chooses the center of an image to calculate exposure, or light, that will be reflected in the entire photograph. Do we do something similar in our personal life? Do we “calculate”, judge, and project our life based on what’s in the immediate center of it, oftentimes blind to the entire picture? Perhaps because it’s simply outside our focus range? Another metering setting is called Matrix. With Matrix a camera takes the entire frame into consideration when calculating light. Can we project life in a similar way, seeing the entire picture that fills our frame of life and not just its center? Can we go even farther and see beyond the limits of framing? All 360 degrees?
Posted on March 24, 2021
I used to dream of a life different than the one I was living and I was trying so hard to stay happy even though it felt like I was slowly dying inside. I knew I was on the wrong path, fluttering and struggling to get off it.
Think of floating on a raft on an angry river. You want to get out onto the shore to rest and think in which direction you should go next, but the river is thrashing you and you sort of let go of the oars at this point and just holding on for dear life. What do you think the river is? Life? Circumstances? Wrong. The river is your mind. It screams different things at you, all at the same time, until you give up and just float because you don’t know anymore what the right thing is. I remember thinking I want to get out of this, I want to come out onto the shore and rest. Why didn’t I? I was too scared. I didn’t know what was on the shore! It might turn out to be a beautiful and peaceful place or it might turn out to be a nightmare, a terrifying new place full of monsters. That’s the fear of the unknown. We all experience it, right? When no matter how uncomfortable the present situation is it’s at least familiar and we don’t have to risk encountering horrific new situations that will make our life miserable. But what will happen if we always only do the comfortable things? We’ll never grow, right? Because, as Brianna Wiest said, growth is painful. It’s painful to grow. When you grow, your old skin sheds and breaks and burns to ashes. But new and young skin is revealed underneath it. A beautiful new you. It’s a process. Most of the time, I mean it, most of the time, it’s not the life that’s scary, but what’s in our imaginations. Your worst fear will probably never come true. When you make a change, at first you may freak out and suffer a bit, or even a lot, but then you look around in the darkness that you feared so much and realize there is no one there but you. No one to come and get you. Your mind scared you witless in order to protect you, because an ego believes that it protects us, but if you trust your soul, your intuition, you’ll see there is not much that you need to be protected from. As Deepak Chopra said “You are safe.” I am not saying to be reckless, although lately I find that to be okay too, but I am saying don’t let your fears control your life. Trust your gut feeling – that’s your intuition. When your mind drives you crazy and pushes you in never ending circles of overthinking, get out of your mind. Go for a walk, meditate, exercise, do anything that will get you out of your head. Meditation helps to develop your connection with your intuition and to better hear it. To better hear your inner voice. Start thinking less and feeling more. Start listening to your inner voice, your true feelings.
What is it that you really want? When you get excited thinking about something, that’s a cue. Why do you think you can’t have that? Write down all your reasons and then read it to yourself. Are they real reasons or are they mostly fears? The ones that appear to be real reasons for not following your heart – can you do something to eliminate them? What steps can you take in order to clear your own path? Understanding yourself is the most important step. Understanding what it is that prevents you from living out the life you desire. Understanding that a big portion of the excuses is just fear. And then analyzing the real reasons and making a plan. Make a step by step plan of what you need to do to clear your path to freedom.
Follow your true desires. Start small and grow big. You can.
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Posted on February 11, 2021
I thought this is an appropriate follow up to my previous blog where I admittedly blame my parents for everything that is wrong with me. I realize just how easily I slip into a blame mode the minute I feel uncomfortable or scared. Is it how I escape from dealing with a real situation? Surely I still think it is important to work through our issues and to learn to let go. But it’s been liberating to realize that my parents are no longer responsible for me and there is nothing they can do to fix the damage. Casting blame is the route I take to avoid facing my fears. I am so terrified of facing them that I throw an emotional tantrum instead. I really am terrified of pretty much everything in life. I don’t appear to be but there is always this inherent fear of life, of future.
The only way to deal with existential fear I think is to stand up and look it in the face. The fear itself is a petrifying, paralyzing emotion, not what’s behind it. It’s like running through a maze, never stopping, fearing that there is evil right behind us, following our footsteps, but if we do stop and turn around there is nothing there, and it’s silent. And is the maze actually beautiful and peaceful? Was the omen of death just an animagus? Sirius?:)
Posted on January 17, 2021
If anyone ever felt a hole in their heart, desperate, worthless, and unwanted, where do you think it came from? Do other people have the ability to make us feel that way? I do believe the cliche that everything arises from our childhood – I don’t think when you feel unworthy that it’s your real feeling right now. It’s most likely a memory of a feeling you had at some point in your life when you were a child, still naive and helpless. If a parent ever made you feel worthless and unwanted, you might still carry it in your heart. I am not talking about random rare moments, but a continuous, persisting feeling you might had that no matter what you did you just weren’t good enough, that you weren’t good enough to be loved and accepted. When a child’s personality is still unformed they perceive a parent or a guardian as a sort of a superpower, an all knowing god, and that what they say must be true. Then this child carries on through their whole life the feelings they received from their “gods”. Only when you fully develop and able to see from a perspective of an onlooker that the overwhelming feeling you had of a parent permeating your existence was not due to them being bigger than life, but due to a very limited exposure to other sources of trust that you had. The feelings you were instilled were nothing more than a perspective of one individual. If they were feelings of unworthiness and being unwanted, remember that when those feelings arise now they are not real, they are only memories of how you felt in the past. Let go of it. You are now in control of who you surround yourself with. Protect your energy by surrounding yourself with people who accept you and support you and like you for who you truly are, for just being you. Surround yourself with people whose love you don’t need to earn. You don’t need to earn love. The universe created you this way and you deserve to be loved just for being human, just for being.
When I wrote this article I thought “Well, I don’t want to sound like I want people to blame their parents.” But then I asked myself if I want to write with the idea of how it’s going to sound or with the truth that I feel. This is my personal feeling, I do blame my parents for my issues. I am not an all-enlightened saint, I work through my scars till this day. I am not here to make anyone feel a certain way, but to share my own perception of things. What I’ve come to realize is that when you understand a root of a problem, you can work it out, you can meditate on it and work through it. Whenever I feel a certain way, I dig deep and ask myself: “Where does this feeling really come from?” It usually stems from way below the surface, from the deep trenches of our conscious. Understanding is the first step to healing.
Posted on December 23, 2020
As I circle a number that indicates how happy I feel right now from 1 to 10 in my 60 day journal I wonder what 10 really feels like. What does 1 feel like? Can you put a number on happiness? In fact, what is happiness? For me, number 10 would be a state of excitement. But does excitement equal happiness? I think not. It passes relatively quickly and then hopefully it comes back again. Isn’t happiness supposed to be something more stable and permanent? Or is it just a word society created to describe ear to ear smiles in beautiful beach photos on instagram? Or a validation you feel when someone tells you nice things, or the excitement you feel about a new phone you purchased? Can anyone say they are truly happy? I assume if they did it would mean they are happy most of the time, because it’s simply impossible to always be happy, just like it is impossible to always be unhappy – bodily survival instinct will kick in eventually.
All of a sudden the word happiness seems like a label to me. A validation for the world, screaming “See, I’m happy!” In reality, if I don’t feel excited or motivated to go outside today and do a morning winter walk in my shorts like I’ve been enjoying and instead I sit in my kitchen and listen to podcasts in a quiet contemplative mood, does that mean I am less happy and I should mark number 6 instead of 9 on the happiness chart? If I don’t feel jitters about Christmas and I have no wrapped up gifts under a tree ( and don’t have a tree either), if I feel mellow instead, should I choose 4 or 5 on the happiness scale? My view on happiness now is that if I allow myself to feel whatever I am feeling and I don’t fight it and don’t try to change it and push it in the “right” direction, if I can just allow myself be and be ok with it, then I am being true to myself and that sets me free. If I am not in struggle with myself and I am not running after this arbitrary happiness, then I welcome it. I welcome simply being in the moment and treasuring the moment.
During this holiday season please don’t get hung up on feeling a certain way that you think you are supposed to feel. Embrace the magic of the moments, no matter what you are doing and let yourself be. Share love and share it with yourself the most, because you need it.
Love you all,
Posted on December 9, 2020
My whole life I was warned against myself. Scared witless.
I was taught not to trust my myself, my desires, my instincts.
Listen to others. They know better.
Don’t have a center within yourself, live on the outside.
Be afraid of everything. But most importantly,
Be afraid of yourself.
But then, those people that taught me, they were the ones who hurt me.
And I started closing off to them.
I was a ball of rigid, tense energy, unable to relax and feel safe.
I was closed off to them, and I was closed off to myself.
I wanted to trust them, to give in, but my experience said “No.”
I wanted to trust myself, but they said “No.”
Now I learn to trust myself, my desires, my instincts.
To relax and breath.
I am a creator.
I know what is true to me. They don’t.
It’s not that they’re bad.
But their perspective is distorted.
They don’t know me like I know me.
They never did. They never will.
And if they tell you they do, they lie.
Be True To Yourself.
Posted on December 4, 2020
I realized that I always held a sort of idea of what I should become and what my life should become, and thinking that if I just learn a little bit more, look a little bit better, accomplish something, and then BAM! I’m there, and now I can just be happy for the rest of my life and not worry about it anymore. I think I was wrong all along – there is no destination. An ideal version of me is only a projection, a postponement of being happy and being accountable for my present version of me. The truth is I will never be 100% happy with myself. I am not perfect and never will be. While it is good to plan for yourself and to develop, I found it is very unreliable to plan too far ahead and a waste of energy that can be utilized here and now. There is no ideal version of myself that will make me happy for the rest of my life, because that ideal image is not a fixed one, it keeps changing as I evolve. When we keep running ahead of ourselves and try to control our future and how we will feel in the future, we don’t live fully in the present. Being fully present and moving one step at a time to a happier version of me is something I can do right now and feel the results. Not smarter, or more beautiful, or more athletic, but a happier version, and that can be anything. What is a happier version of you right now?