Posted on January 17, 2021
If anyone ever felt a hole in their heart, desperate, worthless, and unwanted, where do you think it came from? Do other people have the ability to make us feel that way? I do believe the cliche that everything arises from our childhood – I don’t think when you feel unworthy that it’s your real feeling right now. It’s most likely a memory of a feeling you had at some point in your life when you were a child, still naive and helpless. If a parent ever made you feel worthless and unwanted, you might still carry it in your heart. I am not talking about random rare moments, but a continuous, persisting feeling you might had that no matter what you did you just weren’t good enough, that you weren’t good enough to be loved and accepted. When a child’s personality is still unformed they perceive a parent or a guardian as a sort of a superpower, an all knowing god, and that what they say must be true. Then this child carries on through their whole life the feelings they received from their “gods”. Only when you fully develop and able to see from a perspective of an onlooker that the overwhelming feeling you had of a parent permeating your existence was not due to them being bigger than life, but due to a very limited exposure to other sources of trust that you had. The feelings you were instilled were nothing more than a perspective of one individual. If they were feelings of unworthiness and being unwanted, remember that when those feelings arise now they are not real, they are only memories of how you felt in the past. Let go of it. You are now in control of who you surround yourself with. Protect your energy by surrounding yourself with people who accept you and support you and like you for who you truly are, for just being you. Surround yourself with people whose love you don’t need to earn. You don’t need to earn love. The universe created you this way and you deserve to be loved just for being human, just for being.
When I wrote this article I thought “Well, I don’t want to sound like I want people to blame their parents.” But then I asked myself if I want to write with the idea of how it’s going to sound or with the truth that I feel. This is my personal feeling, I do blame my parents for my issues. I am not an all-enlightened saint, I work through my scars till this day. I am not here to make anyone feel a certain way, but to share my own perception of things. What I’ve come to realize is that when you understand a root of a problem, you can work it out, you can meditate on it and work through it. Whenever I feel a certain way, I dig deep and ask myself: “Where does this feeling really come from?” It usually stems from way below the surface, from the deep trenches of our conscious. Understanding is the first step to healing.
Posted on December 30, 2020
The softest taste
Of flesh and seed
That cuts and bleeds
And warms the air
Like fire licking skin
It’s on my tongue
And in your hair
I’m not to give
Only to share
The pinks and golds
What’s fair is fair
Posted on December 23, 2020
As I circle a number that indicates how happy I feel right now from 1 to 10 in my 60 day journal I wonder what 10 really feels like. What does 1 feel like? Can you put a number on happiness? In fact, what is happiness? For me, number 10 would be a state of excitement. But does excitement equal happiness? I think not. It passes relatively quickly and then hopefully it comes back again. Isn’t happiness supposed to be something more stable and permanent? Or is it just a word society created to describe ear to ear smiles in beautiful beach photos on instagram? Or a validation you feel when someone tells you nice things, or the excitement you feel about a new phone you purchased? Can anyone say they are truly happy? I assume if they did it would mean they are happy most of the time, because it’s simply impossible to always be happy, just like it is impossible to always be unhappy – bodily survival instinct will kick in eventually.
All of a sudden the word happiness seems like a label to me. A validation for the world, screaming “See, I’m happy!” In reality, if I don’t feel excited or motivated to go outside today and do a morning winter walk in my shorts like I’ve been enjoying and instead I sit in my kitchen and listen to podcasts in a quiet contemplative mood, does that mean I am less happy and I should mark number 6 instead of 9 on the happiness chart? If I don’t feel jitters about Christmas and I have no wrapped up gifts under a tree ( and don’t have a tree either), if I feel mellow instead, should I choose 4 or 5 on the happiness scale? My view on happiness now is that if I allow myself to feel whatever I am feeling and I don’t fight it and don’t try to change it and push it in the “right” direction, if I can just allow myself be and be ok with it, then I am being true to myself and that sets me free. If I am not in struggle with myself and I am not running after this arbitrary happiness, then I welcome it. I welcome simply being in the moment and treasuring the moment.
During this holiday season please don’t get hung up on feeling a certain way that you think you are supposed to feel. Embrace the magic of the moments, no matter what you are doing and let yourself be. Share love and share it with yourself the most, because you need it.
Love you all,
Posted on December 9, 2020
My whole life I was warned against myself. Scared witless.
I was taught not to trust my myself, my desires, my instincts.
Listen to others. They know better.
Don’t have a center within yourself, live on the outside.
Be afraid of everything. But most importantly,
Be afraid of yourself.
But then, those people that taught me, they were the ones who hurt me.
And I started closing off to them.
I was a ball of rigid, tense energy, unable to relax and feel safe.
I was closed off to them, and I was closed off to myself.
I wanted to trust them, to give in, but my experience said “No.”
I wanted to trust myself, but they said “No.”
Now I learn to trust myself, my desires, my instincts.
To relax and breath.
I am a creator.
I know what is true to me. They don’t.
It’s not that they’re bad.
But their perspective is distorted.
They don’t know me like I know me.
They never did. They never will.
And if they tell you they do, they lie.
Be True To Yourself.
Posted on December 4, 2020
I realized that I always held a sort of idea of what I should become and what my life should become, and thinking that if I just learn a little bit more, look a little bit better, accomplish something, and then BAM! I’m there, and now I can just be happy for the rest of my life and not worry about it anymore. I think I was wrong all along – there is no destination. An ideal version of me is only a projection, a postponement of being happy and being accountable for my present version of me. The truth is I will never be 100% happy with myself. I am not perfect and never will be. While it is good to plan for yourself and to develop, I found it is very unreliable to plan too far ahead and a waste of energy that can be utilized here and now. There is no ideal version of myself that will make me happy for the rest of my life, because that ideal image is not a fixed one, it keeps changing as I evolve. When we keep running ahead of ourselves and try to control our future and how we will feel in the future, we don’t live fully in the present. Being fully present and moving one step at a time to a happier version of me is something I can do right now and feel the results. Not smarter, or more beautiful, or more athletic, but a happier version, and that can be anything. What is a happier version of you right now?
Posted on November 26, 2020
This is a first year since 2007 that I celebrated a big holiday alone. I chose to. I didn’t feel sad or left out how it is indicated by society one is supposed to feel. It was a warm and peaceful evening and I walked around the park by the water. There were quite a few people there, also not celebrating at home. The moon was bright white and for the first time in this area I saw large fish swimming in the water, circling in school, and jumping out (to catch bugs?). A bunch of kids were playing soccer. A baseball field was lit up bright and illuminated the whole park. There were people sitting in cars, just looking out onto the water, watching the sunset. It isn’t your typical family Thanksgiving. I ate a shepherd’s pie in my car, hung around the park, watched the fish and the soccer, and went home when it got dark. It was quite lovely. I thought about things I felt thankful for. I felt like I should, because it is a thanksgiving day after all. I am thankful for my new life. For the love I feel. And for being near the ocean. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
Posted on November 23, 2020
The biggest challenge for me always was to get out of my head and be present. It sounds like a very obvious thing that anyone who’s not mental would be able to do. But if I struggle with it half the time, does that mean I am delusional? My own answer to that is yes. I fantasize and imagine and daydream a lot. As a kid that was considered a bad thing but I thought they were just assholes, making me feel bad about myself. And they were. But now I come to realize that if I want to have the life I want I need to face the life I have. To learn to be present is hard. First you need to ask yourself: Why do I live in my head so much? Is my fantasy better than real life? Then a more difficult question is: What is wrong with my life? That can take a while. To admit that something bothers you is hard. To admit that your life is a bunch of bullshit is hard. But that’s a very extremist way of thinking, and harsh, and untrue. Anyone’s life is multidimensional. When you get out of your head you stop focusing on the bad things. For me the first step was to recognize that each moment is spontaneous. Each moment can become whatever you make of it. There is no grand plan. You can turn the corner or go straight at any given moment. For example right now, you can make a cup of coffee, or go outside, or listen to music, or go for a jug, right? That freedom is always there, with few exceptions. To stop escaping is both simple and hard. The simple part of it is that you can snap out of it and just look around the room. The hard part of it is to stay there. What’s the trick? To find something that interests you. If you’re bored you’ll keep slipping out of it. To redirect life to make it interesting is the ultimate goal. To stop waiting for the perfect future. Because there is no future. As awful as it sounds, it’s not awful at all. Future is just a projection. There is no past either, because it’s only a memory. What we have is only NOW.
This feels like I rambled a lot, but I hope there is some sense in it.
Posted on August 29, 2020
Is color real? Our brain makes us see colors by converting different light wavelengths into color perception. Some animals see black and while, while some people don’t have generic color perception. Did you ever wonder what the world would look like if our brain didn’t have the ability to translate light into color perception for us?
Posted on June 15, 2020
This summer is not like any other, but it is real, and it is here. We cannot afford to loose it. Not being able to do the exact things we did last year, does not mean we should not do anything. Finding new ways to spend the warm days is the current direction; finding new ways to structure days, to do things, to let go of the old, and reshape ourselves.
Posted on May 28, 2020