Useless Planning

I always run. In my head. I can’t stop unless I force myself. I noticed that it’s not the goals, or the ideas that exhaust me. Not even the manic ways in which I try to accomplish them.

Through The Lens Of Life

As I’m reading about center-focused exposure feature of my camera I can’t help but make a connection with real life. Center focused metering setting is just what it sounds like – a camera chooses the center of an image to calculate exposure, or light, that will be reflected in the entire photograph. Do we do something similar in our personal life? Do we “calculate”,…

What Is The Meaning Of Life? And Is It A Valid Question?

We often seem to concern ourselves with these arbitrary questions: What is my meaning in life? Am I living a meaningful life? Am I doing what I’m supposed to be doing with my life? How to answer such vague philosophical questions? The meaning of life is not one specific question to which a very specific answer can be given: it embeds in itself an…

A Phone That Died

Sipping coffee in the semi darkness of pre-dawn with dim lights illuminating the quiet room. It’s only me, my thoughts, and my journal. I can hear every sound, even my breath. It’s foggy and wet outside, but it doesn’t feel morose, it feels beautiful to me, if beautiful was a feeling. There is time to think, and not to think. There is time to…

More On Fear

I used to dream of a life different than the one I was living and I was trying so hard to stay happy even though it felt like I was slowly dying inside. I knew I was on the wrong path, fluttering and struggling to get off it. Think of floating on a raft on an angry river. You want to get out onto…

Envy

Did you ever look at someone’s photos on instagram and felt jealous of the life they’re living? Or met a real person who seemed so satisfied with themselves that you just wanted to breath the same air as them? I certainly have. I met several different people in my life who helped me change into who I am today. When I first met them…

Fear

I thought this is an appropriate follow up to my previous blog where I admittedly blame my parents for everything that is wrong with me. I realize just how easily I slip into a blame mode the minute I feel uncomfortable or scared. Is it how I escape from dealing with a real situation? Surely I still think it is important to work through…

Why Do You Feel Worthless?

If anyone ever felt a hole in their heart, desperate, worthless, and unwanted, where do you think it came from? Do other people have the ability to make us feel that way? I do believe the cliche that everything arises from our childhood – I don’t think when you feel unworthy that it’s your real feeling right now. It’s most likely a memory of…

What Is Happiness? And Merry Christmas.

As I circle a number that indicates how happy I feel right now from 1 to 10 in my 60 day journal I wonder what 10 really feels like. What does 1 feel like? Can you put a number on happiness? In fact, what is happiness? For me, number 10 would be a state of excitement. But does excitement equal happiness? I think not….

Trust Yourself

My whole life I was warned against myself. Scared witless. I was taught not to trust my myself, my desires, my instincts. Listen to others. They know better. Don’t have a center within yourself, live on the outside. Be afraid of everything. But most importantly, Be afraid of yourself. But then, those people that taught me, they were the ones who hurt me. And…