I always run. In my head. I can’t stop unless I force myself. I noticed that it’s not the goals or the ideas that exhaust me. Not even the manic ways in which I try to accomplish them. Planning. Endless planning of everything takes the energy out of me. 3 days ago I chose not to plan anything for the next month and just welcome my ideas and brainstorm them when I really want to (instead of planning to brainstorm them). Because plans change as often as I make them. In the end I spend half of my time planning things that never happen. Isn’t there a better way to spend life? Like go outside and walk and create mental space? Some things definitely need planning, but I think not as many as I think. And not as often as I think.
My whole life I was warned against myself. Scared witless.
I was taught not to trust my myself, my desires, my instincts.
Listen to others. They know better.
Don’t have a center within yourself, live on the outside.
Be afraid of everything. But most importantly,
Be afraid of yourself.
But then, those people that taught me, they were the ones who hurt me.
And I started closing off to them.
I was a ball of rigid, tense energy, unable to relax and feel safe.
I was closed off to them, and I was closed off to myself.
I wanted to trust them, to give in, but my experience said “No.”
I wanted to trust myself, but they said “No.”
Now I learn to trust myself, my desires, my instincts.
To relax and breath.
I am a creator.
I know what is true to me. They don’t.
It’s not that they’re bad.
But their perspective is distorted.
They don’t know me like I know me.
They never did. They never will.
And if they tell you they do, they lie.