Fear

I thought this is an appropriate follow up to my previous blog where I admittedly blame my parents for everything that is wrong with me. I realize just how easily I slip into a blame mode the minute I feel uncomfortable or scared. Is it how I escape from dealing with a real situation? Surely I still think it is important to work through…

Why Do You Feel Worthless?

If anyone ever felt a hole in their heart, desperate, worthless, and unwanted, where do you think it came from? Do other people have the ability to make us feel that way? I do believe the cliche that everything arises from our childhood – I don’t think when you feel unworthy that it’s your real feeling right now. It’s most likely a memory of…

What Is Happiness? And Merry Christmas.

As I circle a number that indicates how happy I feel right now from 1 to 10 in my 60 day journal I wonder what 10 really feels like. What does 1 feel like? Can you put a number on happiness? In fact, what is happiness? For me, number 10 would be a state of excitement. But does excitement equal happiness? I think not….

Trust Yourself

My whole life I was warned against myself. Scared witless. I was taught not to trust my myself, my desires, my instincts. Listen to others. They know better. Don’t have a center within yourself, live on the outside. Be afraid of everything. But most importantly, Be afraid of yourself. But then, those people that taught me, they were the ones who hurt me. And…

An Ideal Image

I realized that I always held a sort of idea of what I should become and what my life should become, and thinking that if I just learn a little bit more, look a little bit better, accomplish something, and then BAM! I’m there, and now I can just be happy for the rest of my life and not worry about it anymore. I…

Thanksgiving

This is a first year since 2007 that I celebrated a big holiday alone. I chose to. I didn’t feel sad or left out how it is indicated by society one is supposed to feel. It was a warm and peaceful evening and I walked around the park by the water. There were quite a few people there, also not celebrating at home. The…

Escapism

The biggest challenge for me always was to get out of my head and be present. It sounds like a very obvious thing that anyone who’s not mental would be able to do. But if I struggle with it half the time, does that mean I am delusional? My own answer to that is yes. I fantasize and imagine and daydream a lot. As…

Not Enough Time To Do What You Love

I always thought of myself as a writer. In the back of my mind I constantly hold an idea of one day being a writer. Only if I had more time, more resources. But when I actually do have free time, do I rush to my laptop and start typing? No. There is always a million of other things to be done. Are those…