I always run. In my head. I can’t stop unless I force myself. I noticed that it’s not the goals or the ideas that exhaust me. Not even the manic ways in which I try to accomplish them. Planning. Endless planning of everything takes the energy out of me. 3 days ago I chose not to plan anything for the next month and just welcome my ideas and brainstorm them when I really want to (instead of planning to brainstorm them). Because plans change as often as I make them. In the end I spend half of my time planning things that never happen. Isn’t there a better way to spend life? Like go outside and walk and create mental space? Some things definitely need planning, but I think not as many as I think. And not as often as I think.
I realized that I always held a sort of idea of what I should become and what my life should become, and thinking that if I just learn a little bit more, look a little bit better, accomplish something, and then BAM! I’m there, and now I can just be happy for the rest of my life and not worry about it anymore. I think I was wrong all along – there is no destination. An ideal version of me is only a projection, a postponement of being happy and being accountable for my present version of me. The truth is I will never be 100% happy with myself. I am not perfect and never will be. While it is good to plan for yourself and to develop, I found it is very unreliable to plan too far ahead and a waste of energy that can be utilized here and now. There is no ideal version of myself that will make me happy for the rest of my life, because that ideal image is not a fixed one, it keeps changing as I evolve. When we keep running ahead of ourselves and try to control our future and how we will feel in the future, we don’t live fully in the present. Being fully present and moving one step at a time to a happier version of me is something I can do right now and feel the results. Not smarter, or more beautiful, or more athletic, but a happier version, and that can be anything. What is a happier version of you right now?