Posted on December 23, 2020
As I circle a number that indicates how happy I feel right now from 1 to 10 in my 60 day journal I wonder what 10 really feels like. What does 1 feel like? Can you put a number on happiness? In fact, what is happiness? For me, number 10 would be a state of excitement. But does excitement equal happiness? I think not. It passes relatively quickly and then hopefully it comes back again. Isn’t happiness supposed to be something more stable and permanent? Or is it just a word society created to describe ear to ear smiles in beautiful beach photos on instagram? Or a validation you feel when someone tells you nice things, or the excitement you feel about a new phone you purchased? Can anyone say they are truly happy? I assume if they did it would mean they are happy most of the time, because it’s simply impossible to always be happy, just like it is impossible to always be unhappy – bodily survival instinct will kick in eventually.
All of a sudden the word happiness seems like a label to me. A validation for the world, screaming “See, I’m happy!” In reality, if I don’t feel excited or motivated to go outside today and do a morning winter walk in my shorts like I’ve been enjoying and instead I sit in my kitchen and listen to podcasts in a quiet contemplative mood, does that mean I am less happy and I should mark number 6 instead of 9 on the happiness chart? If I don’t feel jitters about Christmas and I have no wrapped up gifts under a tree ( and don’t have a tree either), if I feel mellow instead, should I choose 4 or 5 on the happiness scale? My view on happiness now is that if I allow myself to feel whatever I am feeling and I don’t fight it and don’t try to change it and push it in the “right” direction, if I can just allow myself be and be ok with it, then I am being true to myself and that sets me free. If I am not in struggle with myself and I am not running after this arbitrary happiness, then I welcome it. I welcome simply being in the moment and treasuring the moment.
During this holiday season please don’t get hung up on feeling a certain way that you think you are supposed to feel. Embrace the magic of the moments, no matter what you are doing and let yourself be. Share love and share it with yourself the most, because you need it.
Love you all,
Posted on December 4, 2020
I realized that I always held a sort of idea of what I should become and what my life should become, and thinking that if I just learn a little bit more, look a little bit better, accomplish something, and then BAM! I’m there, and now I can just be happy for the rest of my life and not worry about it anymore. I think I was wrong all along – there is no destination. An ideal version of me is only a projection, a postponement of being happy and being accountable for my present version of me. The truth is I will never be 100% happy with myself. I am not perfect and never will be. While it is good to plan for yourself and to develop, I found it is very unreliable to plan too far ahead and a waste of energy that can be utilized here and now. There is no ideal version of myself that will make me happy for the rest of my life, because that ideal image is not a fixed one, it keeps changing as I evolve. When we keep running ahead of ourselves and try to control our future and how we will feel in the future, we don’t live fully in the present. Being fully present and moving one step at a time to a happier version of me is something I can do right now and feel the results. Not smarter, or more beautiful, or more athletic, but a happier version, and that can be anything. What is a happier version of you right now?
My Black Reflections
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